I’m in a Stepmom Group on Facebook that has around 15,000 members in it and time and time again the same topic comes up. Bio Mom’s unbelievable jealously and hatred toward the new Stepmom. It can be relentless at times.
Today I was reading a weekly devotional by Amie Dockery of Covenant Church from her new bible study called Create in Me. She went on to tell the story about King Saul, the ruler of Israel, and a young shepherd boy named David who was a man after God’s own heart (despite his personal sin issues and mistakes including adultery and murder… It’s really such a redemptive story that everyone should read y’all. Anyway) She said,
After David slayed Goliath, King Saul became obsessively jealous of David [As Baby Mama did with me after I married her ex]. King Saul lost sight of who he was [the biological parent] and his insecurity [compared to the new wife] drove him mad. He resorted to strange games [lies, false testimony, perjury, theft] and tests of loyalty [head games with the kids like “you need to choose between me – your real Mom – and her”]. He stopped leading and gave into jealousy and comparison and hardened his heart against David. At one point, David snuck into Saul’s tent while he was sleeping and took Saul’s spear and water jug but did not harm Saul. Had David wanted to kill Saul he could have, but he didn’t. [We have had MANY opportunities to wound bio mom if we wanted to. We even have new info now but haven’t done anything with it yet while we pause and process everything].
In the handout homework, the question was: You and I can find ourselves in either role. Which one, David or Saul, do you most relate to in this story and why?
From my Stepmom position, I very strongly relate to David. I honor and respect Baby Mama’s POSITION with the children though I don’t respect her behavior just as David honored Saul. When the kids asked if they could call me Mom, I told them that might hurt their mother’s feelings and they would need to talk to her about that. After Hubster got custody of all of their kids, I felt empathy for her and warmly invited her into my home with all of my family, my children, and her children for Thanksgiving. When she called me crying pleading with me to convince Hubs to let her daughter move back in with her at the age of 12, I felt sorrow for her and worked on her behalf because she was so upset about being “all alone” and promised that although she couldn’t handle all 3 kids she could handle 1 (which was a fiasco but that’s a different blog). And then as soon as the ink dried on the new agreed court order, she turned on me. Hard. And she’s pursued me as Saul pursued David ever since (for about 6-7 years now). The attacks, lies, and division she sowed in our home was unbelievable. The false allegations made against my biological children were unreal. And unfounded. And the Judge did not believe them. One of my bio kids even wanted to pursue slander and perjury charges against her on his own (not only do her kids see her issues, her own stepkids and my bio kids do too).
In the Bible, the enemy is a liar, a deceiver and works to create division, & to kill, steal and destroy. And that is all we have seen in our blended family situation from Baby Mama and now from her new husband as well. (We aren’t alone though. She attacks me, my husband, my biological children, her new husband’s mother, her new husband’s children, her new husband’s ex wife, her own sister, and anyone else that she feels gets in the way of her King Saul position or that she feels threatened by. In fact, she repeatedly says “don’t threaten me” even when no one threatens her because she FEELS threatened – insecure – by others).
One thing I’ve learned about Blended Family Life is WE ARE NOT ALONE. This Saul and David battle often occurs today. Though it can “feel like hell” some days, it’s not. It’s a SEASON.
As for me and my family, we are going to keep pressing on despite the attacks and enjoy the rest of this beautiful day.
Iced tea cheers your way.
P.S. I often encourage others in the Blended Family Groups to have all of the parents and stepparents meet together with a counselor or pastor present and I encourage the use of parenting apps such as TalkingParents.com or OurFamilyWizard. We have been asked how that has worked for us, but in truth we still have not done it yet. We have asked Bio Mom and her husband to meet with us with a third party present and we’ve asked her to sign up for the app so that communications can be verified, tracked and used in court but they have refused to do either of those things. For whatever reason, they don’t want accountability. When they are finally ready one day, we are here (accompanied by 6-7 kids and lots of documents).