General Reflections – Scheduling Edition #BFHOE

Have you ever heard the story about the man who used to complain about having no shoes until he met the man who had no feet? I try to remember this when I go to vent or complain. But this summer has really helped me live it.

Watching Hubs and his ex navigate their kids’ schedules (well, fail to navigate their kids schedules – unless it’s during his time it doesn’t get handled) has made me so unbelievably thankful and grateful that I never once had any scheduling conflicts with my bio kids after my divorce ever. Not once. Our kids were so very active and very busy. The oldest and youngest children had youth group events, marching band and part time jobs. The middle child was over the top busy and had competitive dance, competitive cheer, high school cheer and a part time job. I think she was only free maybe 1 day a week, if that. Competition season would take up the whole weekend. Yet, my bio kids never had to miss anything and both my ex and I tagged teamed the kids activities to be sure that every child was able to participate in their own events. If two kids had an event on the same day, we would divide and concur. He would usually transport the boy to band and I would transport the girl to cheer. I just thought that was normal. I mean, if we were still married we would have to work together to raise the kids and get them where they needed to be, right?

I’m in a very large social media group and apparently MANY MANY MANY people have these scheduling problems during the other parent’s visitation time. Who knew? I mean, I guess I could see that when the parents live out of state but not when the parents are only 15-20 miles from each other.

So, this is my little note to self and reminder about how thankful I am for the way my ex and I were able to co-parent and manage our bio kids following divorce. It does NOT have to be difficult. It does NOT have to be drama. It CAN work when you both make it a point to put the kids and their lives first.

Iced coffee cheers your way peeps ๐Ÿ™‚

 

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Summer Vacations. What Do You Think?

macro photography of black sunglasses on sand

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

I’m in 2-3 Blended Family and Stepparent groups on social media and SO MANY PEOPLE are posting about summer vacations and questions relating to them. Such as, do you prefer to travel alone with your spouse? Travel with ALL of the blended family kids? Travel only with some of the kids one year and then the others the next year? Travel based on age?

The feedback has been fun to watch. Especially since there is no “one size fits all” model for any blended family.

For us personally, we really prefer to divide our “staycations” and day outings based on age.ย We have found that we are far more engaged personally with each kid when they are in smaller groups than when we have all of the kids at the same time like we do over Christmas or Thanksgiving break. And maybe that’s just because of the kids’ current ages. My bio kids’ grandparents like to take a large family trip over the holidays (such as at a ski resort) rather than buying each adult child and grandchild individual gifts. That’s definitely something we would like to consider one day, but our kids won’t really be old enough for those types of trips for another 10 years (hopefully haha).

So, how do you handle your blended family vacation planning?

Iced tea cheers your way ๐Ÿ™‚

 

 

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Yes!!! This is Good! #BFHOE

When Hubs and I first married (back in dream land world where your pretend future is happily ever after), we so desperately wanted to treat our kids equally and try to be sure there wasn’t jealousy between my bio kids and his bio kids. But in practical reality, I only knew the traditional mother role and he only knew the traditional father role.

If I tried to mother my stepkids, it created jealousy with my bio kids and if Hubs tried to father my bio kids it created animosity and conflict like “you’re not my dad”.

There were just “too many chefs in the kitchen” as the leader of the Stepmom group stated. So Hubs and I decided to change tactics. We agreed to simply be adult role models to each other’s kids. Like a teacher or youth group leader or any other adult in their life would. And it’s worked!! Of course there’s still a million different dynamics with unforeseen turns BUT as far as our individual relationships go with our stepkids, it’s been fantastic! Yes, it is ok to embrace being a stepparent. An adult role model. A friend. A listening ear. Some days it’s even more fun that way ๐Ÿ™‚

Iced coffee cheers your way and keep rocking the stepparent life โ˜•๏ธ

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Life Lessons – Police Edition #BFHOE

Yesterday, my stepsons ages 12 and 15 were attending a local Police Dept training event. They were “stage hands” so to speak for active shooter training. SWAT was on sight leading the training when they got called out for an actual emergency which ended the training early. When the boys got back home they were both all pumped up about wanting to go into the police academy after high school and their long term goals in law enforcement. As an adult figure in their life, I wanted to seize the moment to give them a little more perspective. At least they can’t say that no one warned them.

city group people police

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Are you sure that’s something you want to get involved in? Do you realize that you are going to be HATED simply for the role that you take? Whether someone gets to know you or not, you will be HATED. It may not even be personal. Some people will just hate you because they would hate anyone that does that job. And you can’t expect gratitude either. If you do everything right day in and day out for years, you likely will not receive a praise or a thank you. If you dare make one mistake – and you will because that’s human nature – you will be attacked, ridiculed, slandered, and hated even more. Now they will feel their hatred of you is somehow justified. Are you sure you want to do that? And they both said yes.

On second thought, welcome to life as a Stepmom ๐Ÿ™‚ย Where all of those same principals apply and you don’t even get paid for it. Bahahaha.

Iced coffee cheers your way. And thank you Police, LEO’s and stepmom’s everywhere for what you do day in and day out.

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Blended Family Life, Visitation Edition #BFHEO

There is trouble in paradise again. Today’s topic. Summer Visitation. Well, that and visitation in general. Hubs’ kids are teenagers now. One of them has a summer job and is working to save money for a car and is learning how to prepare for adulthood since he will be an adult in only 2 years. Wow. So hard to believe. The younger one has one year left and then he starts high school, summer marching band lessons and traveling to varsity football games every weekend with the band. Their lives are busy. However, the non-custodial parent has said she will NOT agree to take them back and forth to events that occur during her visitation periods because of work. So far, she has also said she will not allow them to stay with their Dad so they can attend their events either. Basically, they are going to be forced to go to her house and stay home alone day in and day out to accommodate the parent rather than assist the child. So, what do you do?ย Do you take a stand? Or would you just let it go?

An acquaintance of mine recently took her ex husband back to court for a similar issue. Her daughter is involved in select softball and has tournaments several weekends per month and they practice year round or darn near year round. Her ex wasn’t paying full child support, wasn’t paying his part of the kids medical bills, and wasn’t willing to work around her daughter’s schedule. So, they went back to Court. She felt she had no other choice than to let the Judge decide what was best since her ex wouldn’t work with her at all. Guess what happened? She won her hearing on all accounts. Child support was raised. He was ordered to reimburse medical bills. And their new court order now says that Dad can have one weekend per month with the kids that does not interfere with the kids’ activities. This mom was an advocate for her kids, the Judge saw that, and she got every single thing she asked for at her hearing.

I HATE family law drama y’all. Working for attorneys for 20 years and watching people waste time, energy, emotion, and money all for a Judge to make decisions for them that they should have been able to make themselves drove me crazy. In fact, it’s why I made sure to work with my ex to reach an uncontested agreement at the time of our divorce. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for Hubs. Poor Hubs. I wish with all of my might that he and his ex could reach agreements without the requirement for lawyers and judges and court hearings but they just can’t. For whatever reason that I do not and will not ever understand, their Mom simply will not budge.

In my devotional today the first question was “how do you respond to worst case scenario conflict? Through fight or flight?” When it comes to your kids, isn’t there a natural “papa bear” tendency to put up a fight even if otherwise that’s not your nature or typical response? If anything in your life is worth fighting for, isn’t it making sure that your kids have an advocate to fight for what’s best for them? Their needs. Their schedule. Their lives. Isn’t it supposed to be about and for the kids?

8 years down. Only 5 to go. We’ve got this!

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#Truth #BFHOE

I saved this a few years ago and it popped up on my memory reminders today. THIS is so applicable to blended families. Ok, in all fairness it works for all families. But the numbers game alone definitely makes it very very descriptive for families like ours.

What’s the numbers game? My friends who have only 2 kids in their traditional marriage feel like they have more than enough on their plate and their hands are full. Now, double that. For us, triple that.

The more people you have in your Blended family with individual needs, issues, drama, etc. the more often you will find yourself right back on the tunnel having been eaten by a snake.

Many people enter their Blended family so full of hope and purpose. Love, excitement of the new beginning, butterflies, hearts and roses. And then BAM, one day they are looking around with a flashlight like a mouse eaten by a reptile wondering “where am I and how the heck did I get here”? That phase often follows with feelings of how you made a big mistake or maybe you should get a divorce. Or you can simply accept the journey and where you are today because I promise it will change. Life always does. It’s dynamic, alive, and always in motion.

If you ever find yourself looking like this photo, just remember that it’s only temporary. What goes in, must come out.

Coffee cheers your way โ˜•๏ธ

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The D Word #BFHOE

About 5 years ago I read The Unglued Woman by Lysa TerKeurst and it was life changing. I’ve always been a bit ADHD, blurt things out I shouldn’t say, interrupt people before I forget my sentence, and on occasion completely lose my cool (especially on PMS day one … like today ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ).

I know in perfect marriage land (that beautiful, magical place where your imagination takes you before reality smacks you in the face), you’re never supposed to use the D word during a disagreement. But …

Guess what I did last night? And again this morning? For the 20th time in the past 8 years, I told my husband that I want a divorce. Why? The ongoing, ongoing, ongoing, always something, ongoing, continual stream of stress brought on by Baby Mama drama. On its best day it’s like a dull toothache that never goes away. On its worst day it’s like giving birth to Shamu the Whale. These past few days have been Shamu swim time baby.

This Weekend the kids’ stepbrother was murdered and since then we’ve found out that Hubs’ kids have allegedly been around gang members at BM’s house along with other dangerous situations and there is all kinds of tension behind the scenes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not comparing apples to oranges, what the steps’ family has gone through has been unimaginable and my heart truly breaks for the boys mother and brothers and their family. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

However, I’m soooooo exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. The kids are upset that people are talking about retaliating for the death, the stepdaughter is tagging family members and making public comments on social media that could absolutely put her in danger, and it’s clear now that the kids’ stepfather has known about these issues for quite some time but did not warn us or communicate his concerns to us in any way.

I haven’t slept for more than a couple of hours at a time and I’ve been nauseous and unable to eat since Saturday sincerely worried about all of our kids and how absolutely unfortunate and preventable this even was.

Combine that with PMS and BAM. I said it!!! I felt it. I wanted it. Divorce. For about 5 minutes. Then I regretted it. Truth be told I regret many things I’ve said these past couple of days to several people. And so I’ve apologized. Sincerely, humbly and to the kids as well for making them feel insecure about my relationship with their dad.

That’s really all we can do, right? Mess up. Fess up. Apologize. Repent. Get up, dust yourself off and try again.

I’m so sorry Hubster and I love you so much.

P.S. we also read the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and it said that marriage is to make you holy, not happy and that the ongoing struggle between husband and wife represents the ongoing struggle between Christ and the church. If that is true, I think we win a holy award today.

Now let’s try and do this again. With me keeping my dang mouth shut this time ๐Ÿค

Social media hugs to all.

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