Hey Y’all 🙂 How’s your journal reading and workbook going? Week 7’s reading goal was pages 78-89.
In typical Naja fashion, there are so many critical reminders packed within this handful of pages, each of which could be highlighted in FULL. For example, “you may not have been his FIRST WIFE but you’re his FOREVER WIFE”. Or my favorite nugget reminder regarding whether your stepchild will ever love you if the child’s mother doesn’t like you… “Sorry, but if your stepchild’s mother discourages the child from bonding with you, at best, the relationship will be surface and superficial”. THANK YOU Naja for that reminder because I have lived that one and just had to let it go. I learned pretty early on that positive contact with me by a stepchild resulted in discipline and punishment to the child. In fact, being ugly or saying mean things about me was met with rewards. I spent YEARS and lots of mental space attempting to change that and it didn’t work. Putting ALL OF THAT in the f@ck it bucket (see last week) – changing my perspective rather than trying to change the outcome – really helped me with that.
She also dives into what I believe is one of the most important reminders for stepparents which she refers to as Reverse Stepmom Enmeshment – “When a stepmom is unable to compartmentalize her feelings of contempt for her stepkid’s mom and separate it from her stepkids”. There are absolutely occasions when the child is literally the ex spouses mini me and works full time to damage the family relationship any way they can (with their dad, stepmom, stepmoms bio kids, etc). But there are also women that cannot separate their stepchild from the ex spouse and the child suffers for it. The child is not to blame for the “antics” of the ex spouse. That is HER issue, HER need for control, HER need to cause pain, HER need to remain in the spotlight, but it’s not the child’s fault. It’s really not. The child is simply being used as a tool – an arrow – to wound the ex spouse. And guess what, most kids DO and WILL see that later in life for themselves (most, not all).
Do any of these issues ring out to you? What struck you the most this week?
For more info about the journal or to join in, grab your copy HERE.
Hey, Hey, Hey!!! It is Week 6. This week’s reading and journaling goal was pages 66-77.
It’s Week 5 of Girl, Bye!!! I had a targeted reading & journaling section of pages 56-65 but ended up going back a couple of pages to page 54 because I needed to see it one more time. I loved it because again, Naja reminds me that I’m a Queen. How many times will we hear it before we believe it? Keep it coming Naja. She writes, “Queen, choose to take your power back… You know what you need to do for your life… Peace is your Divine birthright. It is not an option for your life; it should be the standard…”.
On Pages 29-32, Naja breaks down four key factors that are at the root of CoMama conflict including (1) fear, (2) the unwillingness to accept a new role, (3) the inability to align expectations with reality, and (4) the man in the middle. I participated in a Bible Study several years ago that devoted much of its book to Item 3 all by itself. In ANY situation where we have expectations that are not in line with reality, we leave lots of room for hurt and disappointment. And nothing is more difficult than deep disappointment within our own family, amen? It cuts the deepest. You have these hopes and dreams for your “new” family and then BAM. Reality punches you in the face like a professional boxer. Anyone else? And Item 4 …. WHOA buddy. I’ve been listening to Naja’s past podcasts and there have been several times where she has said “you don’t have a kid problem, you have a MAN problem”. This blended family situation can absolutely be difficult for the man especially in the beginning when he tends to attempt to keep both women content. Like she says “there’s a certain finesse that comes along with ensuring that an ex-wife and a new wife are both actively engaged and fully understand their roles… [and] the man in the middle will have hell to pay.”
Reluctantly, I started listening to Naja Hall’s: I Know I’m Crazy podcast and guess what happened, y’all? I got addicted. Just like I got addicted to Prison Break and stayed up until 7 am binge watching every episode. Day after day. For many many seasons. I got addicted to this podcast. Initially I planned to listen to the first 10-15 minutes of each session of Season 1 to get “a feel” for it, but instead, I ended up listening to hour after hour after hour, episode after episode. I even emailed myself notes and reminders and sent the podcast to my husband to listen to during his daily commute back and forth to work. After all, he’s a talk radio junkie so this format is perfect for him.
Naja devotes some time to help you re-humanize the ex wife, to help you see things from her point of view and offers tips to help you employ empathy when possible. She says that regarding his ex-wife… “She’s NOT the big bad wolf…. she is just looking for a place to transfer her bad energy… If a woman would try her damnedest to destroy your man, his happiness, and her kid’s emotional well-being, this isn’t about YOU.” For “shits and giggles” she shares a laundry list of venomous statements that many ex-wives have been known to throw out to new wives (p. 20) and I seriously nearly laughed coffee out of my nostrils. I shared the list with my small group and I kid you not, there were ladies in there who had been told those things such as “enjoy my sloppy seconds”. Bahahahaha. I mean, unless he was a virgin when he married you, you were sloppy seconds yourself darling, but yeah… ok. Like, I can’t even (face palm here). If you have the journal, go enjoy the fabulous artwork on Pages 21-25 while you’re at it. I folded Pages 23-25 for those days in the future when I’ll need it. And I know that I will.
Week 4’s goal was pages 46-55. This section was TOUGH for me because it did require so much personal reflection within the journal project portions. I can talk & take notes like a pro, but true self reflection – then putting a response into words – can be challenging for me. Well, this one was anyway. “I feel seen when…” (p 52).